How to Network When Networking Feels Gross

The Seven Pillars - Issue 06

Networking isn't transactional favor-trading. It's building a web of mutual reciprocity that has inherent value—and in our tiny sector, it's the only thing that actually gets you hired.

Hi everyone and welcome to the sixth issue of The Seven Pillars.

Last week, we talked about productivity and organization when life gets chaotic. This week, we’ll look into a topic that I’ve struggled to understand and apply: networking.

Many years ago, I was seconded to work in Jordan’s Ministry of Planning and International Cooperation. I was part of a team that was helping the ministry organize stakeholders to the Jordan Compact. As part of that work, I met lots of different and interesting people from a variety of organizations and agencies.

One day, I heard that a researcher from Columbia University was visiting. Being a fellow alumnus, I asked to be put in touch with him to see if I could help. It turned out that he was conducting initial interviews and gathering information for the design of an upcoming project. Over the next few months we stayed in touch and when the project was finalized and donors identified, he put my name into the hat to manage the project. I had never before that point managed a project, but I had told him how that was the direction I wanted to go. Not only was my name considered, but I was eventually given the job.

Later in my career, I was on the other side of the table: making hiring decisions and putting teams together for development and humanitarian projects. I realized, when looking at lists of candidates, that I was unconsciously drawn to people whose names I recognized or who had been referred to me by friends. Even a tiny bit of familiarity with a person was enough to consider their application much more seriously.

I learned an uncomfortable truth from these experiences: cold applications go to the bottom of the pile.

My biggest regret is not having started networking sooner. I think back to college and all the opportunities I missed since then to create connections with potential mentors. Or who could have helped me connect with a subject matter expert in designing a project. Or who could have let me know about an amazing new project that was coming up.

This is not to say that I’m perfectly consistent in keeping in touch with everyone on my LinkedIn contacts list or email address book. Far from it. And more often than not, I still need to reach out to someone that I haven’t talked to in a long time and ask for a favor. But what I’ve found is that rather than looking at my needs as the end goal of the conversation, I can think of my needs as the spur that reminded me to connect with that person all over again. When I go into a conversation with this in mind, it definitely feels a lot less transactional.

The truth is that, though not impossible, the chances of landing that next great contract or job are almost nil when you don’t have friends and contacts to rely on. That next great thing may never even come on your radar in the first place. Finding a job on a website, sending in a CV, and hoping for the best is almost the same as doing nothing.

We live and work in an extremely small, tight-knit community. This means two things. The first is that, even if you don’t know people, they will know you. The network of contacts keeps humming along even if you’re not involved. If a hiring manager is looking at your CV, most likely they’re “informally” reaching out to people who may know you. Be proactive and make sure they’re getting the right information. The second point is that your contact today may be your boss tomorrow. The musical chairs of agencies and positions continue and the power dynamics are ever shifting. A consultant you hired a year ago may be hiring you tomorrow.

However, this is not the whole story or the moral of the story. Networking is extremely important. But the rewards you can generate from it are much greater than just a future job reference.

The idea of “networking” has always felt strange to me. I hated the idea of writing to someone I didn’t know and asking for favors. 

In order to get past that feeling of awkwardness, I stopped looking at network building as transactional, and started looking at it as a way to build value for everyone involved. I wasn’t even looking at the process as something strategic; as in, the investment in a connection now will pay off, possibly, in the future. Instead, I found the immediate value of being caring, interested, and mindful.

I started to cultivate my network of friends and contacts with much more intentionality. “Cultivate” is an apt word, as it brings to mind the patient tending of a garden. Building a fruitful network is much like that.

Maybe we shouldn’t call it “networking” at all. That term is so loaded. Maybe we should call it “mutual and mindful connectivity.”

Let me propose an experiment that will demonstrate what I mean while also lowering the barrier to outreach. The goal here is to illustrate how networking should feel like play rather than work, and create immediate positive feedback.

The Challenge: Over the next 5 days, send 3 "thinking of you" messages to people in your network. Not networking messages. Not asks. Just genuine connection.

The Rules:

Think of the following templates as prompts to get you comfortable:

As part of the experiment, keep the following questions in mind and take notice of how the experience makes you feel.

After 5 days, ask yourself:

By doing this experiment, we’re testing whether networking "works." Rather, we’re showing that genuine human connection feels good right now. When you believe this, you'll keep doing it naturally, and the career benefits become a side effect rather than the goal.

Talk to any gardener and ask them why they garden. Odds are that it’s not about the harvest. A good gardener is there for the process: the tending of the garden is the goal in and of itself.

Your network is the same.

The "Thinking of You" experiment isn't about planting seeds for future jobs (though that will happen). It's about discovering that tending relationships is actually enjoyable right now—that learning what people are working on and having genuine conversations enriches your life immediately.

However, at the same time, in our sector, networking just isn't optional.

The humanitarian world is tiny. The same people rotate through different organizations and roles. Your colleague today runs a regional office tomorrow. Your boss becomes your peer. Cold applications don't work here—every job I've gotten came through someone who already knew my name.

The good news is that even if you don’t like networking and the very idea makes you feel uncomfortable, there is a workaround. You don't have to approach this cynically. You just have to be genuinely interested in people. Stay curious. Show up. Tend the garden.

When you do that, the career benefits become byproducts of something that already feels good.

So try the experiment. Send those messages.

I'm on a bit of a “words versus meaning” kick this week.

🎵 Ludwig Göransson's film scores (Oppenheimer, Tenet, The Mandalorian). This man should score everything. I loved the blues music used for Sinners and the idea that anyone can make music, but not everyone can make meaningful music.

📚 Money, Lies, and God by Katherine Stewart. If you’re outside of America and wondering what the hell is going on in American politics, give this one a read. It’s all about how Christian nationalism packages political power as religious conviction. What's said on the surface vs. what's actually happening underneath.

How have you navigated feelings of discomfort when reaching out for help from others?

Hit reply and tell me the story.

See you next week,

Anthony Pusatory

Founder, The Seven Pillars